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Get off my lawn in the gym

I’m remarkably tolerant of the usual behavior in the gym that bugs other people. I don’t care if you grunt, scream, holler, breathe loud, drip sweat, or drop your weights. I like to see people try hard. It’s inspiring.  I’ll do another set if I see someone gettin’ after it.  I get motivated.

I don’t care if you put your weights back in the right spot, as long as you put them back in the rack.  Don’t make me scrounge all over the gym looking for the remaining 45.  Or 25.  But whatever.  NBD.

I don’t care if you wear short shorts and a too-tight wifebeater, even though that ringing sound you hear is Ahnold calling (c. Stay Hungry) wanting them back.

I don’t care if you sit on the bench and text the whole time.  I’ll just ask you if I can work in and annoy you repeatedly until you go away.

I do care if you talk on the phone for 30 minutes.  See “boombox” and “timer” below.  No one wants to listen to your work management skills or your relationship problems.

I don’t even really care if you monopolize the one machine or weight I want to use for 90 minutes.  I know you’ll only be in there a couple of times then I’ll never see you again.  I’m talking to you, cable-crossover-machine-guy-for-90-minutes-guy.  Wait, you haven’t been in in a while after that one week, have you?  Never mind.

But there are a few things. Really just things your mom should have told you.

  • Don’t whistle. Really?  You think that’s ok?  Anywhere outside your car?  It’s not.  People aren’t eyeballing you because you are so awesome at it! Or so happy!  They’re eyeballin’ you because you’re an asshole.
  • Don’t sing.  Same.
  • Boombox.  Dude, look around.  See those things in everyones’ ear?  Yeah, no one wants to listen to the crappy gym music.  And no one wants to listen to your boombox.  Headphones.  Get ’em. (Note to gym manager:  same – no one wants to listen to the crappy gym music.  iPods.  It’s a thing.  Really. Has been for a while now.  That music you’re playing?  It just makes us have to turn the volume up to damage levels.)
  • Workout timer.  Same.  Srsly?  What if everyone was doing that?  Wait.  Everyone is.  They’re just not an asshole, like you.
  • Sweaty?  No problem.  But wipe your bench down.  No one else wants that shit on ’em.  And throw the wipes away.
  • Shit in your hair?  First, it’s a gym;  no one cares.  Second, wipe your bench down.  No one wants any of that greasy shit on ’em.
  • Perfume?  It’s a fucking gym.  You are going to smell sweaty.  Don’t need to add whatever the latest scent Miley Cyrus is pushing on top of that.  Or not that much anyway.
  • Shoes?  They’re a good idea in the gym.  Keep ’em on.  It ain’t your living room.  That’s just nasty.  Goes for chicks too.  Really.  Anywhere outside your living room it’s not ok.

I am surprised I have to say this shit, but man, I see this crap in the gym every day.  People old enough to know better (old men and young chicks, typically) on the mat with their nasty-ass bare feet on it.

Makes me tempted to have a clumsy accident with a small weight.